Blame it on the alcohol

For the longest time, I've been trying to quit drinking. There are various reasons and benefits as to why I've been wanting to quit. If you've tried to quit in the past, you can certainly understand how hard it may be.

I have always been easily influenced when it comes to drinking. I've always felt a bit socially awkward and the drinking seemed to get rid of that. I would change into a different person and everyone would love the 'drunk' Nathan. Problem is sometimes I hate that part of me. I should not feel the need that I have to drink to have fun. Nor should I feel pressured to think that if I do not drink that I would be boring.

Just recently, my work had our annual winter party. Naturally, one would think, drinking is required for such an event. I told myself I would not go down that path. I stayed sober and didn't have one drink. The point is, the people who were around me drinking made me want to drink as well. I could smell the red wine from the tip of my nose. It was calling my name like a safety blanket in a dark cold room.

It turns out I had a great night, sure there were a few socially awkward moments, but it wasn't from my part. I enjoyed the party and danced freely without feeling like I was being judged, well I didn't care.

Quitting alcohol is having a very positive impact on my life. For one, I have learned that 'cheating' one night doesn't help the cause of quitting, secondly I have learned that I have more self respect for myself when I'm sober and thirdly it gives me a lot more energy during the day on weekends.

What I am trying to say is alcohol was not the root to all my problems. Alcohol has just been the wrong solution to all my problems. Alcohol felt like an escape from reality. It was a way to temporarily numb the fear, anxiety and ongoing depression I felt within myself. As I have been trying to win the battle of my mind, the alcohol would just keep making this a losing battle.

After the last night of drinking which was on New Years Eve, a wave of different feelings settled into me. There was this sense of disappointment within me, along with a sense of impending doom. Like I would never get out of this circle of depression and disappointment within myself. I have been sick with a cold for over three weeks since, and for the first week and a half my anxiety was so high I could barely sleep. Before New Years Eve, I was fine. I was actually starting to get myself back together from the previous time that I went on a drinking rampage. That was over a month before New Years. So I guess you could say it takes me about a month after a drinking night to get myself together. If that doesn't signal a problem I don't know what does.

I am just starting to learn to control my anxiety a little better day by day. Reminding myself that I am alright, and everything will be ok, no matter of the outcome. It's time for me to own up to my life, and live the best life that I can live. It may be a long road to recovery, but without speaking about it I have no chance at recovering.

Alcohol, be gone from my life! I am taking control of my life now!

Goodbye, Alcohol, I will not miss you.