Thoughts of the day

I am in the midst of figuring out how to live my life. Sometimes I forget that I was not born with a map of the way I should live my life. Originally, I was given a map in which told me how to act, feel, live and love a certain way. It told me what I should accept, what I should deny and what I should hate. There were some good and bad points in all the lessons that I learned while I was growing up. Some of the good points were brought up by a collective knowledge of wisdom passed down from generation to generation. Other teachings were focused on insecure tendencies. They were focused on teaching that anything different than the norm is harmful. A lot of the people who follow these teachings genuinely have good intentions. The trouble is that many who follow these teachings are not aware of the hate that is bred through the system. A way to  protect yourself from the unknown. A way to diminish another s uniqueness by making it wrong.

 When I realized at a young age that the teachings I learned at school and at church were not factual. That there was no way the stories in the books were true. I labelled everyone following religion as crazy, unhinged. I thought anyone following religion was irresponsible, ignorant and chose to live a life with hate filled in their hearts. The line is much more blurred than this.

 As humans, we are all creatures habit. We only know what we experience. We only know what we are taught. If we are lucky enough, we can become aware that life is not so black and white. As we learn to broaden our perception of the world, we can learn to accept many different ways of life. We can appreciate how other people may not be as fortunate as you are in the awareness you have. Once you become aware of the habitual part of our minds, we can start cracking the code for change.
 For a long time, many cues have lead to my anxiety. Unable to make decisions, unable to do the right thing for me in my life, unable to have a stable emotional state. My body craved a way out. My routine has been to avoid the bad feelings. To turn towards a promise of escape that will never be satisfied. My reward was the anxiety would be temporarily abolished. Either by distracting my mind or drowning my mind in sorrow. I blamed the teachings, the system, the world, for the way everyone is entrapped in bad habits. I thought that with all this evil in the world there is no way out. We are going to be our own demise. One glaring fact I failed to realize, is that as a species with have already survived and evolved for thousands of years. We are all capable of making positive change in the world. We are still in the process of learning our own mind and bodies. We are in the process of figuring out how to live the best lives. The technological breakthroughs of our time have sped up human s evolution. Two centuries ago there was no radio, no tv, no internet, no phone, no electricity. We were plagued with famine and disease. Only a select few were lucky to survive and live old age. We are lucky to live in an age of technology and prosperity. Just like any other era of the human race, there are ways we can figure out the world in which there is a positive outcome. We can learn to talk to each other, to learn from each other and to grow from each other. We must learn to treat each other as a fellow human being.  Even though we know what we know, does not mean the other side knows of the same. Everyone has a different life experience. It is a gentle reminder to be kind to one another, as well as ourselves.

The truth within us

everyone is equal
no one is different
in this life journey
it is something we tend to forget

When things get tough
we get over-critical about ourselves
to the point where
you are above any advice
you would give to a friend

It feels like your life
is weighing in the balance
somehow the advice you would give to others
does not apply to yourself

The truth  that can set you free
is that you are like everyone else
searching for love
searching for happiness
searching for success
searching for peace

We get lost in our thoughts
as if the thoughts become the now
when in reality your thoughts
are just thoughts
interfering with the present

The only way to end this vicious cycle
is allow yourself to accept what is
change what you are not happy with
and allow yourself to live in the moment

When you allow yourself to be
you can take advice that you would give others
and apply it to yourself
without feeling like the world
weighs down on you

so go on
live in the now
accept reality
be yourself
be kind
live, learn and grow

The struggle and determination to be myself

Through troubled times
I found acceptance
From others who celebrated my weakness
Little did they know
I was drowning

I was mistaken that my weakness
was the only strength I had

I had forgotten my true strength
I had forgotten my true value
I forgot the meaning of self-worth

immersing in my weakness
helped delay my troubled thoughts
and created new issues

The true reason why I feel troubled
I never learned to accept myself
I was ashamed of who I became

I have sought acceptance and validation of my life
through relationships and friendships
because I would not let myself accept who I become

I beleive that my true friends and family
know who I am
what I stand for
what I believe in 

I need to give myself permission
to be myself
to accept myself
to have success in my life
to live my life
to love myself
to be happy

I will overcome my weakness
rise from the ashes of my soul
re-kindle the joy in my life

the only thing standing in my way
is my own mind
it is time
to rise up
to let myself be happy
I give myself permission
to let go
to forgive myself
and to enjoy life

I will kick down this weakness
I will be the strength
I will be the light
I will be the hope
I will be strong
I will be the person I have always hoped to be
I am that person right now

All I need to do
Is give myself permission to be me

I am ready
I give myself permission
to be
me

Do not lose track of where you are: I am living my dream

When I was little I always dreamed of living in a big city. To be honest, I had no idea how I would make this happen. All I knew was that I had hope and was determined to make it happen. With all the noise that happens in life, it is easy to lose sight of what you currently have.


The noise that I am talking about is the little disappointments that there are in life. It can be little things as not cleaning up the dishes, or doing the laundry when you wanted to do it. It could be that you did not manage your finances accordingly or looked after your health as much as you should. The truth be told, is that we are all human. The wonderful thing about humans is that we can overcome our mistakes, our disappointments, our failure. We can turn our mistakes into success stories. As long as we have the will and the fight to overcome adversity.

It is easy to pick our own mistakes, yet we find it so hard to see our own success in front of our own eyes.

For a little while, I felt sad, lethargic and unmotivated. It felt like a bout of depression hit me. Perhaps it is because I could not see how lucky I am today. It is so easy to lose sight of what you have. Society has a way of making you feel that your not good enough and that your life could be better. Sometimes you try hard not to listen to what society is trying to get you to believe, because in the end it really does not matter. The tricky part is sometimes you become a part of society and feel the pressure to do as what you are told or what is expected of you.

The reality is that your not society. You are your own unique person. As long as you remember that you live your own life and as long as you meet your own expectations, it does not matter what the rest of society expects you to do. All that matters is that you meet your own expectations. Do as you wish and let your heart lead the way.

What I could not see before, I can see today. As I said in the beginning, I always dreamed to live in a big city. I have lived in Ottawa, I frequently travel to Toronto and currently reside in Montreal. I got the experience of living in a wonderful city full of different cultural backgrounds in Ottawa, and now I live in the second largest french speaking city in the world next to Paris. It is a shame that I have not been so happy experiencing it everyday. The noise that comes in life tends to make you forget how fortunate you are. The noise can easily distract you from what is truly happening in your life. The noise I had created in my life made me blind to all my success. I now feel more motivated to succeed even further, to push harder and to accomplish many more things.

We have to remember to live for today and to soak in every experience. The noise in my life blocked out my ability to do so. Now, I just need to remind myself everyday, the noise in my life does not define who I am. It is just a little bump in the road of a very successful lifelong journey. My own lifelong journey. 

My own story.

Off to new adventures!

Bonjour,

Ca fait ben tros longtemps que je n'ai pas ecrit dans ce journal. C'est parce que je suis tres occuper au moment.

Ok enough french for today hehe.

I have some exciting news which most of you already know. I have moved to Montreal. I wanted to write down my thoughts about the move on my second week here. I am still staying at a temporary place will not be moving into my permanent residence until the beginning of November.

With that said I already feel like I've settled in the city. It feels like I haven't missed a beat. There is so much to do in Montreal on a day to day basis. To be honest, before I moved there were a lot of doubts.

I would spend nights debating with myself whether this was the right move for me. The funny thing is when I got here, all the doubts left. I started my new job, well really the beginning of my new career path. I haven't felt so comfortable and at ease with a job as I do right now. It's enjoyable and challenging all at the same time. I'm also fortunate to be here in Montreal because I get to utilize my french. It's surprising how fast it's all coming back to me now.

For the first time in a long time, I feel completely engaged in my life at this very moment.There is no thought of what I am going to do tomorrow, what is my next move. I just get the feeling that I know this is where I should be. This is a feeling I haven't felt for a while.

The people here are also some of the most kind people I have met in this Country as well. Very polite and courteous. Most of them have no problem switching over to English if need be, but I try to stick to talking french with everyone as much as possible. One of my main goals during my time here in Montreal will be to use the french language to the best of my ability.

One thing I do need to remind myself to do is take some time to rest. I am here for a long time, I might as well rest and enjoy some of it before burning myself out. I have plenty of time to enjoy the sites and sound of the city :)

Montreal, I am very proud to call you my new home :D

A Journey through the mind and spirit

I've had this poisonous state of mind for a long while. It has come to a point where this thinking has taken control of my life. This time I've had to myself has helped me step back and look at the errors in judgement that I have made. I fall into these traps that demand for things to be done a certain way. If it varies from my expectations I consider it a failure. This does not allow any room for error. IT got to the point where I would give up before I even tried anything meaningful.  My mind and body has started feeling the harmful side effects due to this erroneous way of thinking.

The wonderful thing about life is that it is never too late to change your way of thinking. It is never too late to start over, or to refresh your life like you would a web page on the internet. I have now begun the process of rejuvenating   my life. I am currently formulating a plan to keep my life from continuing down this erroneous path I have been taking. In time, I know everything will work itself out.

*I wrote this while I was on vacation, and now that I have time to reflect back to it since I am in my daily routine again, I understand what it means.

The poisonous state of mind I am talking about is this negative attitude towards myself and the decisions I make. The truth of the matter is we all tend to focus on our screw ups rather than our achievements. I have now come to the realization that when you step back and look at all the decisions I have made in life, most of them were the correct ones to take to become the person that I am today.

There is nothing that you should be shameful about feeling in life, if at one point in time you felt it was the right thing to do. You knew of no other way during this time. The fact is we all go with the flow of time and whether we like to admit it or not, it all works itself out in the end if we let life take it's course.  

It feels like there is this heavy weight that has lifted from my shoulders and my head. I can think and see clearer now. The healing process from these previous negative thoughts and experiences have begun. I am starting to move forward with my life and take action where it is needed.

I know this may all seem vague to my readers right now, but if you've experienced these negatives times associated with depression and anxiety I am sure that you know where I am coming from. Slowly I am regaining my confidence, happiness, independence. It's been a long struggle, but wel worth the wait.

What a beautiful morning I had!

What a way to start a long weekend!

My morning started off with a conversation with my mom on the phone. I was explaining to her how I didn't know what I was going to do today. After getting off the phone, I decided that I should go to McDonald's for breakfast. I normally listen to music as I go, but today I felt different. I wanted to hear the noise of the city, the breeze of the wind and the people around me.

As I got near to McDonald's. My older sister (Nicole), calls me to let me know about her great find on Ebay on rings she's been looking for. We talk for the most part as I eat my breakfast at McDonald's. I ordered the "Big Breakfast". This included Scrambled eggs, an english muffin, a sausage, and a hashbrown. I had a medium double double to go with it. It was delicious!

Afterwards, I decided to head to Major Hill's Park. Of course, making my way there I had to pass by parliament. Still relatively early in the morning, there wasn't too many tourists walking about. Luckily enough, one tourist from Hamilton (who grew up in California) asked me for directions as to where to go to the 'Island' for the great view of the city. This is where the huge statue is on the hill on the water overlooking the city.She commented on how she liked Ottawa more than Toronto, taking the beautiful scenery into account.

When we parted ways, I sat down at a bench in the park, and started reading a book on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. This book has been helping me deal with my anxiety and depression. I stayed there for about an hour, not only reading, but observing the beauty of the park. The nearby urban climate, the friends, family and tourists enjoying this glorious sunny morning. What a relief it was to be out and about surrounded by smiling faces, energetic kids and relaxing atmosphere. The feeling was almost euphoric.

It started to get warmer and  I realized it was time for me to head back home. (I have some chores to do this afternoon). As I headed back, I put my headphones on and listened to some soft k-pop and J-pop music. It was busy on the streets now. Especially near Parliament Hill. As I walked back home I enjoyed their presence in the city. Just looking at their body language showed how happy everyone was to be here.

Now that I am back home, it is time for me to do the chores I have neglected all week. Laundry, dishes and cleaning my place up. I shall do that this afternoon while having the baseball game on television.

I hope your long weekend has started as well as mine. Just remember, it's the simple things in life that makes this world wonderful.

Enjoy!