Finding my true confidence

There are many things that make a person who they are. Someone who is confident is able to be who they are and do what they want to do, without having to doubt themselves.

One thing that has always been missing in my life, is the confidence is my abilities. One of the biggest reasons why I have not been confident is because of my lack of self esteem. There can be many things that impact your confidence, including self esteem and insecurities. For now I would just like to focus on confidence, because as I re-build self confidence, it coincidently raises my self esteem and lowers your insecurities. It is a good way of killing two birds with one stone.

The first step that I need to take to access my self confidence, is to pin point why I have had low self esteem and insecurities in the past.. I need to be able to deal with them in order to increase my self confidence. I believe that if I shove them aside and let them be, I will not be able to be fully confident with myself. While I am re-building my self confidence, I do need to be aware that those insecurities are there. At the same time, I need to conquor these insecurities and face my fears. I cannot dwell on those insecurities any longer.

I need to remember all the successes I have in the past, rather than looking at all the 'failures' that I have gone through in my life. It is all about thinking positive rather than thinking negative. Being cheerful rather than being gloomy and being yourself rather than pretending to be someone else. This has seemed hard to do for me. Everytime that I have tried to put a positive spin on things, I have managed to be able to put an equally negative twist to it. When thinking positive, I do not need to think about the negatives.

Another thing that I have learned is that I need to stop focusing on all my insecurities. For example if someone points out that insecurty, rather than agreeing with them, cover it up. Well I'm not saying I will be denying my insecurity. I know it is there. I'm working on it. Other people do not need to know my weaknesses. We all have a way of doing things that is different than others. Rather than try and be like them, we should be embrasing how unique we are. I should not have to try and be like everyone else in order to feel comfortable and confident with myself.

My confidence has always been at the brink of destruction. Why is that? Because I've always had low self esteem and a lot of insecurities. Now that I have worked on many of them and overcome a lot of hurdles, it is time for me to solidify my confidence. I know who I am, and no one can change me. I do not have to be someone else in order for others to like me. People will accept me and embrace me for who I am. I do not have to hide my thoughts, my feelings and my joyous self any longer.

The biggest reason why I feel as though I don't have enough confidence is because the dissapointement I've been feeling lately within myself. What am I so dissapointed of? What am I so ashamed of? Well, it has to do with school.

Getting into University was a huge deal for me. I felt like all odds were against me because many of my teachers and counsellors in the past told me that I was not good enough to get into University. Now, I know University is not all what it's cracked up to be sometimes, but I also know that you need a certain amount of intellegence to do well. It also takes dedication, hard work and a little bit of luck.

When I went to University, I had so many other things going on in my life that distracted me from what I really wanted to accomplish. They distracted me to the point that I did not even care for it anymore. This brought me down to one of the lowest points in my life. It came to a point where I had to make a tough decision in my life.

I knew, I had to quit.

I was already well over my head in calculus class, as I failed the pre-course to the pre-course. How bad is that?

I have now come to a realization. I really should not be so ashamed and dissapointed in myself. Because at the time, I really wasn't myself.

I never even tried to pass any of the classes, I barely did any of my work, and convinced myself I would be able to fix problems later on. Obviously I was wrong.

Worst off, I started convincing myself that I wasn't smart enough to pass. That I was not good enough for anything. Eventually I started believing it.

All this negativity that I surrounded myself with brought me down to the lowest low I have ever known.

What I need to do now, is accept the changes that have occured over the past year in my life. There is no way that I am able to go back in the past and re-do the things that I have done. What has happened to me, has happened for a reason. I need to realize this, and work with what I have.

If you know me well, growing up in the past, I was one of the most positive people you would ever meet. I'd greet everyone with a smile, and I always had the attitude of a positive outlooking person. I'd always think to myself:

"It is not over until I have succeeded. Even if I do not do well, or even if I fail, I can do it again, and succeed."

Somewhere over the past few years, as I lost my innocence, I started losing this state of mind. I started looking the other way. Focusing on everything that was bad, evil and sad in the world. It caused a huge problem for me. All I wanted to do was dissapear, I did not want to be known, seen etc... I just wanted to be left alone.

This was probably one of the darkest times in my life. As I really felt like there was no hope. But for some reason, I forced myself out in the world. Not knowing what I would find. Somehow there was a part of me that still believed in the good in the world. Although I did not see it at the time, I was starting to help myself out. It all when I actually quit University, ironicly.

I started meeting even more people, and I started feeling better about myself. For some reason, up till now, I've always felt something has been holding me back. Something in the back of my mind telling me how I am inferior to others. How I do not deserve what I have. I do not have a clue why I have been thinking this way, but I am. I want it to stop. I am going to make it stop. The first step is to aknowledging the situation.

What I need to do, is remind myself of what a good person I am. Yes, everybody has their faults, but most people have strengths that over come any fault that they may have. I know I am a kind hearted, caring person who puts others first before myself. At one point, I was caring for others too much and it hurt myself in the end. I realize now that there needs to be a balance between looking after others and looking after yourself. When it comes to your mental and physical health, you should always have yourself in mind first, before anyone else. If I cannot do that, I will not be able to help many others afterall. Perhaps I was just trying to help the wrong people in the past.

I have also come to the realization that I cannot fix other people's problems. For long, I have not been able to overcome the fact that sometimes I just cannot do anything about others miseries. I can be there to lend a helping hand, lend an ear and offer some advice, but I cannot make decisions for them. I believe that I can understand that first hand. So many people have been there for me trying to lend me a helping hand when i needed it, but I rejected that helping hand many times. Why would I do that? Well it's obvious, I did not want to be helped at the time. I did not want to get out of the rut I was in. It was only when I finally decided that I needed to get help, that they could help me .

It is truly amazing to me. the difference it makes now that I am willing to help myself. All the help I am able to give myself, just by accepting my faults and lack of confidence, and trying to improve on them. That alone has boosted my spirits. It's just a matter of tweeking myself a little bit and getting myself to let go of the few things that are still bothering me. I know I can do it ^^

Of course, I will not be able to do this on my own. I will need to have others around me supporting me and helping me out in my quest for great self confidence. It is something that I believe can only be achieved through the love and support of your family and friends. Especially at this stage in my life. I do not need to keep others around who do not share the same spirit as me. I need to surround myself with positive people just like me. I know that in the end, I will
come out as a true winner.

Now that I have this out of my system, what is next? Well, creating and implementing a plan that will find myself boosting with confidence!